Reasons I'm glad winter is over

Spring is very cathartic for me. Seeing the new growth of the leaves on the trees and the flowers pushing their way out of the ground gives me a new lease on life that winter has been slowly draining out of me day by dreary day. Don't get me wrong. I like winter. I appreciate it for what it is. However, I'm very glad when it's over. Here are as many reasons why as I could think of...in no particular order.

No more shoveling and salting sidewalks.
No more scarves and coats and gloves.
No more warming up the car before you go somewhere.
No more dirty black scabs on the ditches and road sides.
No more bundling up the kids like Eskimos before they can go outside.
No more sub-zero windchills that cut through you so deeply that they seem to partially freeze your soul.
No more getting up in the pitch black darkness that looks exactly the same as when you went to bed.
No more going days, maybe even weeks, without seeing the sun.
No more snow.
No more boots.
No more filthy cars streaked with road salt that looks like volcanic ash.
No more waiting to wash said cars because it's so cold your doors will freeze shut even though once it's warm enough for them not to freeze shut, the roads will be so messy it won't be worth washing your car anyway.
No more chiseling your way into your car after the sleet has turned to snow encasing it in ice.
No more bracing yourself the the chill when you walk outside.
No more reluctance to shave because of what the wind is going to do to your freshly peeled face.
No more taking your shoes off when you come inside.
No more shoveling black sludge stalactites out of your garage because they have fallen off the bottom of your car.
No more shoveling the driveway.
No more procrastinating on shoveling the driveway because you hope your neighbor will do it for you because he has a snow blower and you don't.
No more worrying about the ice dam that is forming against the house.
No more icy driving conditions.
No more hoping the snow plow will do your street before you have to go to work the morning after a storm so you don't have to end up shoveling yourself out 5 times to make it the 25 feet from your driveway to the main road.
No more traffic jams caused by a single snowflake because people forget how to drive when it snows.
No more plastic over your windows.
No more using the Foreman grill because you can't grill outside.
No more carving out the snowbank in front of your mailbox so that the mailman won't have to lean an extra 6 inches out of his jeep and will actually leave your mail without the passive aggressive note that tells you to clear out the snowbank in front of your mailbox.
No more parking lot slime that makes you slip and sticks to your shoes because it's too cold to melt and has too much salt to freeze.

And finally... no more having to put shoes on to go out on the deck to yell at your dog who is in the back corner of the yard barking his head off even though it is brutally cold and if he stands there much longer his paws will freeze and his arthritis is going to kick in and then you'll probably have to go carry him up back up the stairs.


Happy Spring everyone!!!!!

The night before the night before Christmas in Coon Rapids

I don't quite know why I did this but I waited to finish my shopping until the night before Christmas Eve. I would submit that the shopping mania on this night is only rivaled by Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. I didn't see anyone get trampled but I was almost mowed down myself a couple of times in Walmart (I know, I know) and avoided a collision only by my own sheer agility. I could expound on the entire experience of rude, crabby people (why shouldn't they be I guess?) all like me searching for that last minute gift. I overheard several frustrated conversations "Well, I don't know what else to buy?!!!" as well as the classic "MOMMY I WANT THIS!!!!!" from your stereotypical spoiled 5 year old. But the whole of my experience is really encapsulated by two instances which I will relate to you know.

1) My friend John and I have been commiserating over our mutual boredom with going into any electronics store and seeing a group of teenagers attempting to play Rock Band. Not that I'm against the game, it's just old to have to listen to people butcher the same songs over and over again. So last night, I'm at Best Buy at the Northtown Mall (big mistake) and of course I walk by one the afore mentioned groups playing Rock Band. However, the girl playing drums obviously has no clue what she was doing and beyond that, she was holding the sticks like a javelin and stabbing the drum pads like she was spearfishing for salmon in Alaska. I almost took a picture. It really makes me proud as a musician to see what things have come to. These morons were actually surprised when the game booed them off the stage.

2) I walked by a classic Coon Rapids couple (dude wearing a hockey jersey with relaxed fit jeans and workboots with a shaved head and a nasty goatee, blond chick with a bad root job and too much eye make up) and overheard them talking about where they liked to eat.

Dude: "We could go to Jimmy Johns and get a sub"

Chick: "Yeah"

Dude" "Or what's that Mexican place that has the big "rice diapers" and stuff?"

Chick: "Chipotle?"

Dude: "Yeah"

Wow....I really didn't even know how to react to that. I guess I'm just really not sure how a person can be so backwards as to refer to one of God's most magical culinary creations (the Chipotle burrito) as a "rice diaper".

I could go on, but to sum up, I made it home in one piece not completely worse for wear but my New Years resolution this year is to do my shopping earlier next year and also never to venture into a Walmart in Coon Rapids again....if I can help it.

And you thought my blog was dead....

I know I haven't blogged for awhile. Phil maintains it's because I have a job at a church so I quit blogging because I don't want to post an opinion that might offend someone. In reality, it's probably been a combination of laziness and business mixed in with the fact that I was given an Xbox for the price of a case of beer, so my free time has been spent elsewhere, mainly trying to beat Tiger at Pebble Beach, winning the Superbowl, keeping the world safe from terrorists, solving complex puzzles while defeating zombie sand creatures and becoming a renowned hero while avenging the honor of my family. Guess what I need to do less of? Anyway, the time has come to renew my contribution to the blogosphere and prove to Phil that I'm not copping out. Of course I don't share his pentiant for stirring up controversy so my subsequent blogs may not cause any riots but I'll do my best. That will do for now but look for a series of blogs in the upcoming weeks about odd comparisons that I've noticed.

The obsession with Redbull (and other assorted "energy" products)

It's official. I've had it. What is the deal with everyone's obsession with Redbull? It's not even that good. I've tried it a couple of times. I would say it tastes like carbonated bubble gum spit...mixed with crap. Mot to mention that it contains products that have no long term testing.

The reason for this random post? A trip to the dollar store at Mall of America. My brother-in-law and I were in search of gum to relieve us from the Asian food court halitosis from which we were both suffering. So we hit the dollar store in search of an quick and affordable antidote. Alec (bro-in-law) selects what we both take to be a pack of cinnamon flavored Icy Breeze gum. Not a brand I'd ever heard of but hey, it's the dollar store. You can't be picky. I purchase the gum and we leave. We each had a piece and after walking about five steps we both knew there was something seriously wrong. Further review of the package showed that it was not in fact cinnamon flavored gum at all but rather it had no flavor label except that it boasted of having 57 mgs of taurine and 22 mgs of guarana extract per serving. IT WAS ENERGY GUM!

Really?? We need energy gum now? All the Redbull and Monster and Amped and Vault drinks aren't enough, we have to have it in a chewable form. Also since when is "57 mgs of taurine" considered a flavor? Needless to say it was disgusting and had the opposite effect from what we were going for.

As a dare we each chewed the rest of the pack (it was a double) until we couldn't stand it anymore (see picture at the top). We both felt jittery and weird for about an hour after that. Seriously, this craze is out of control. Someday someone is going to go into convulsions after drinking a Redbull while chewing taurine flavored Icy Breeze and then maybe the FDA will step in and put a stop to this madness.

Ok, I guess I'm really just upset about wasting $1.07 and having only a Redbull hangover and bad breath to show for it. The lesson in all of this? Make sure you read the label carefully when buying gum at the dollar store. You never know what you might be in for.

Why some actors should stick to acting.

We all know Hollywood loves to showcase crossover talent. Musicians who can act. Athletes who can perform. Actors who can sing. But sometimes, I really think that people should just stick to what they know. The prompting for this post? The "much awaited" album entitled "Anywhere I Lay My Head" from none other than the alluring/girl next door actress Scarlet Johanssen.

Now let me say that usually I am all about actors exhibiting their musical talents. I loved that Nicole Kidman and Ewan MacGregor sang their brains out in Moulin Rouge. I've always loved Will Smith. When Hulk Hogan put his album out back in the day, I was the first one in line. Ok, I wasn't in line for that album and frankly neither was anyone else. But all that to say that I am all for famous people exhibiting an previously undisclosed musical talent. However, with that said, Scarlet Johannsen does not fall anywhere near that category. Not even close. In fact, she doesn't even deserve an "A" (or any other grade) for effort. Her singing is just downright terrible.

After hearing her first single on local indy radio, I sampled the rest of the album online and found it to be just as bad if not worse. The immediate comparison that I can liken her singing to is a Canada goose on heroine being recorded in a subway tunnel. In fact her tone is so bad they had to cover it with about 10 different effects which still doesn't fix the fact that she is remarkably off key. And I don't mean in a charming, quirky Bob Dylan way. If they put a pitch corrector on her, it would sound like a Chris Brown song.

I guess what bothers me the most is the fact that she didn't do anything to warrant releasing her own album. She paid someone to write, arrange, perform (sans vocals), record and produce the entire thing. And, the production is very good. The songs are well written. It should just be someone else's face on the cover and someone else's voice singing the songs. Someone that doesn't sound like Sasquatch doing an Amy Winehouse impression.

Stick to acting Scarlet. It's easier on my ears.

New Coldplay iTunes commercial

Here's a little sneak peek you should check out if you haven't seen it yet. I have heard the whole song and it's fantastic. It pretty much stays in the same vein as the little taste you get here, which I believe further supports my Single theory. This is clearly the most different offering we've ever had from Coldplay. If I wasn't ravenous for the new album, I am now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19tXpRRGeUg

My Coldplay single theory

Finally, Coldplay's new single is out. I was able to take advantage of the free download on their site that lasted for a week. I personally think the new song "Violet Hill" is brilliant and I am super-pumped for the rest of the album. It's always exciting to see how a band reinvents themselves on a new album and how they have evolved in the songwriting and production process.

Which brings me to my "Coldplay single theory". I have noticed that everytime Coldplay has released a new album, the first single from that album always sounds the most like a song(s) from the previous record and then the rest of the album is more unique. I think they do this purposefully as a means of connecting the dots for people if you will, especially those casual fans who maybe only listen to the radio or download the occasional song. Here's the evidence to support my hypothesis. Coldplay put out "Parachutes" and "Yellow" was the big hit off that album. The first single from their next album "Rush of Blood to the Head" was "In My Place" which is a great song but it is similar in style, feel and format to "Yellow". When the rest of the album came out, it was much more unique and different as evidenced by "Politik" and "Clocks". (Incidentally, I had the privilege of seeing Coldplay at First Ave right before "Rush of Blood" came out and they opened with "Politik". It blew my mind.) Let's move on to "X&Y". The first single was "Speed of Sound" which could have easily been a track on "Rush of Blood". Then they went on to "Square One" and "Fix You" which my be one of my favorite songs of all time. Now we have "Violet Hill", which is fantastic but yet reminds me in some ways of "Square One" (the way it comes down to just piano and vocals at the end) and of the song "X&Y".

So, if my theory holds true, "Viva la Vida" is going to be ridiculously good and the most eclectic and diverse offering of anything we have heard from Coldplay thus far. Not bad for a band who the critics said was going to be a one hit wonder.